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Hank’s bluebird
Sometimes, I feel like such a cheater.
I keep getting e-mails from friendly people all over the world, calling me “brave” and “inspiring” and what not. They don’t know that I am, in fact, the biggest sissy of them all.
I am always afraid of something. Of the cold. Of the heat. Of pain. Of blood. Of people. Of making the wrong choices.
When my doctor told me I’d best undergo surgery on my nose, in order to get better sleep at night, I was terrified.
I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t. I wanted to run.
But sometimes you can’t run:
Now that the surgery is done, I feel a bit better.
I didn’t die after all, and I feel proud every time I need to gob blood and it comes out just as red and shiny as a ruby.
Still, there are the doubts and the fears…
But then something happened last night: For the first time ever, I didn’t allow myself to get completely beaten up by my thoughts. Instead, I closed my eyes and started wandering through the memories of my most happy walking days: questions unasked will remain questions unanswered.
I could almost smell the peach blossoms, they were so real.
Ah, I thought, so this is something that this whole walking thing was finally good for then, eh?
I felt that there was a little bluebird somewhere inside me, singing its song.
And nobody could take it from me.
Soundtrack: B Real, Busta Rhymes, Coolio, LL Cool J & Method Man – “Hit ‘Em High (The Monstars’ Anthem)”
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December 14th, 2009 at 13:10
Hope you get well soon and can leave the hospital. I was in hospital last week, too. Man, can time be any more boring?
Cheers
December 14th, 2009 at 13:58
I hope you are feeling better. I was in the hospital in November, but I took my computer with me, so I was distracted. I'm really glad to look back I see it's all over and I'm well…
I felt the same thing, afraid, wanted to run … But you have something I didn't had, that amazing experience, all those amazing little details and small stories…. I do envy that! :p
Well, I hope to see your next adventure! I'm sure it's going to be memorable as well :)
December 14th, 2009 at 15:27
get well soon! i had an operation yesterday too… and that means rest a week or more… -_-
December 14th, 2009 at 19:46
hey, man
You sound like you haven't recovered from the anesthetic……
Are you having a sweet past dream!
haha~~
Anyway, get well soon, man !
December 15th, 2009 at 00:24
everyone has one of those days. hope you feel better soon. :)
December 15th, 2009 at 01:10
hi man, i guess ppl knowing that you are also normal with all those fears, that you come over that is what make you more real and admiring.
i myself thinks about the night/or morning you told me about family thing. "not only you", you said, "a lot people went through that", "so you will"
"dont use that as an excuse"
yes i have been using that as an excuse, blame other people is always easier than harsh to yourself. it's shame to admit that, but that's true. always afraid, always wanna run away. however may life in another place wont be any better.
good luck with your nose man, i can get access to fb using a browser, may i can also using that to read your blog that i can finaly see those pics. finally!!
or do you also put those pics on fb?
December 15th, 2009 at 02:48
Heps, t'as vraiment une tête de déterré, tu ressemble a Silvio Berlusconi… ;-)…
Sinon pour quelqu'un qui a peur de tous, tu ne t'es pas trop mal débrouiller…
Comme quoi l'important c'est d'avancer…
Bonne fêtes de fin d'années.
December 15th, 2009 at 04:01
Gute Besserung.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:16
Had this kind of surgery too, I think. It's now something like 15 years ago and still happy with it. One week of pain and one and a half decades of breathing through the nose as gain.
December 16th, 2009 at 10:19
Hey there, I was with you that day (questions unasked will remain questions unanswered), i could smell the blossoms, feel the grass under me, the warmth of the sun on my face … you brought me there.
So happy that your memories can take you back. "Memories are times we borrow, For spending tomorrow." http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/streets/everything…
You have let us borrow your memories, and we are thankful still. Take us back there, Christoph. Keep us alive.
And good luck with the new nose. May it lead you to new adventures soon!
December 17th, 2009 at 07:09
Get well soon, brave sissy! :)
December 18th, 2009 at 06:54
哇，刚看到照片å“了一跳ï¼
ç¥ä½ 早日康å¤äº†ï¼Œè€é›·ï¼
December 18th, 2009 at 07:20
You are brave. Most people come to Beijing and never leave Sanlitun. You walked across China on your own!!!!!!
Most people focus on their fears which is natural, you sould reflect on your greatest strenghts – I bet you will surprise yourself.
December 18th, 2009 at 17:12
Frank: Ha, I was too scared to feel bored!
Katy: Sounds like everyone was in hospital, eh?
Babel: …
Steven: You are right, the medication was very interesting!
ZMH: Thank you.
anita: Yes, with all the mistakes we make, I think we are only striving to lead better lives. It's worth the try! :)
BobLeChat: Berlusconi?? Hahahahaha!
Hermann: Danke.
Peter: I hope I will be able to say the same one day!
John: Thanks John, hope all is well with you too! Having a good Christmas season so far?
Johannes: Trying my best! ;)
NONO: è°¢è°¢ä½ è¿™ä¸ªåŒ»ç”Ÿæœ‹å‹ï¼ä½ 好å—最近？
Muriel: Haha, not brave. No way!
December 20th, 2009 at 15:49
[...] « Hank’s bluebird [...]
January 5th, 2010 at 18:40
Glad to hear you are ok after the surgery, Christoph!
I had a lot of issues with my nose as a kid. Fortunately I have very few nosebleeds nowadays. But I can stop one faster than anyone else I know. One of my less impressive talents. :D
Gute Besserung…
February 5th, 2010 at 08:08
hey,
reading your blog backwards, found this image. I found it funny (sorry) because of the strange objects on your sidetable that look like pigs' snouts. And the image of you with the taped nose (poor thing) and the pigs' snouts made for an hilarious mental association… :-) sorry!
Your shyness from flattery is commendable especially since fighting one's fears is so much part of the experience of doing something as big as you have done.
People who are not afraid are not courageous but irresponsible, and they learn nothing about themselves, and I know that -if one does not have a too inflated opinion of oneself- what one manages to DO can't be perceived as difficult or courageous once it has been conquered.
I took a trip to the desert alone once and it scared the beejeesus out of me even if it was not that big of a trip but the fact that I fought my fears and went is what matters. Always take the most difficult route for there is where the biggest reward is. :-)
January 5th, 2011 at 10:40
I do like very much this posting. WOW!!. I didn’t saw this posting till now!! I read the posting randomly!! :-)
I’m always scare for something… but there are things in my life where I PUSHED MYSELF to achieve. Still lots of things i still have to do… but the problem is when one get use to get comfortable at home , you felt protected… then you lay back… You won’t get away from protection… whats next? Obviously you broke the inertia !