Sometimes, I feel like such a cheater.

I keep getting e-mails from friendly people all over the world, calling me “brave” and “inspiring” and what not. They don’t know that I am, in fact, the biggest sissy of them all.

I am always afraid of something. Of the cold. Of the heat. Of pain. Of blood. Of people. Of making the wrong choices.

When my doctor told me I’d best undergo surgery on my nose, in order to get better sleep at night, I was terrified.

I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t. I wanted to run.

But sometimes you can’t run:

Now that the surgery is done, I feel a bit better.

I didn’t die after all, and I feel proud every time I need to gob blood and it comes out just as red and shiny as a ruby.

Still, there are the doubts and the fears…

But then something happened last night: For the first time ever, I didn’t allow myself to get completely beaten up by my thoughts. Instead, I closed my eyes and started wandering through the memories of my most happy walking days: questions unasked will remain questions unanswered.

I could almost smell the peach blossoms, they were so real.

Ah, I thought, so this is something that this whole walking thing was finally good for then, eh?

I felt that there was a little bluebird somewhere inside me, singing its song.

And nobody could take it from me.

Soundtrack: B Real, Busta Rhymes, Coolio, LL Cool J & Method Man – “Hit ‘Em High (The Monstars’ Anthem)”